[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
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[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Cat.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.