@freshestginger: If I got a boyfriend I wouldn't know what to do... What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?

@joejwest: HITMAN: Who's the target? ME: [slides photo across table] HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek? ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse

@designersays: If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I'm gonna stab you.

@MommaUnfiltered: I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I'm sure of: A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.

@brendohare: A nation cheers as Bigfoot is finally found. "We just yelled his name," said the head explorer. "Can't believe no one thought of that."