@Canadian_Cutie_

If I have learned anything in life it’s don’t throw away your fat clothes

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@WendyLiebman

I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.

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@bonehugsnirony

A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.

@hansabumsadaisy

Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.

#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

@EndhooS

Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..

Daughter: wtf dad?

@iamspacegirl

*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.

@TheAdly

You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.

@Overdue_Bills

Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.