We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
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I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year