@Canadian_Cutie_

If I have learned anything in life it’s don’t throw away your fat clothes

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@Home_Halfway

I love this time of year, where my massive spider webs and the dead guy in my living room are “Halloween decorations” again.

@DaHess1

Shout out to bicyclists that yell “on your left” as they pass me so I know which arm to clothesline them with.

@AbbieEvansXO

[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]

Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse

@joshscampbell

Legal Twitter: I’m dressed in a black suit outside a restaurant waiting for a friend and a curmudgeonly gentleman pulls his sports car into the driveway. While walking past, he dismissively looks at me and barks “Key’s in it.”

The Porsche is now mine, right?

@close_c

You know you’re a bad driver when Siri tells you “after 400 feet stop and let me out”

@BrettDruck

Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee

@ilurngood

imagine if otters became overpopulated and started destroying the world. it would be so cute.