@Dana_Bruno Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
@Canadian_Cutie_ If I have learned anything in life it’s don’t throw away your fat clothes
If I have learned anything in life it’s don’t throw away your fat clothes
- @Canadian_Cutie_
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@Dana_Bruno 
@fro_vo More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
@DrakeJoshQuotez #DrakeAndJoshMemories
@Lhlodder Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
@Quartzjixler I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
@MattTheBrand parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
@Rollinintheseat [Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
@TheSwanDon Ugh I hate the bathroom at this mall. There’s not a single urinal. Just a bunch of women screaming.
@awordforaword Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
@paul_lander Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.