@Canadian_Cutie_
@WendyLiebman
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
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@WendyLiebman
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@stephaniemain2
Flirting
@bonehugsnirony
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
@hansabumsadaisy
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
@EndhooS
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
@better_off_dad
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
@iamspacegirl
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
@TheAdly
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
@Overdue_Bills
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.