If I have learned anything in life it’s don’t throw away your fat clothes
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I love this time of year, where my massive spider webs and the dead guy in my living room are “Halloween decorations” again.
Shout out to bicyclists that yell “on your left” as they pass me so I know which arm to clothesline them with.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Legal Twitter: I’m dressed in a black suit outside a restaurant waiting for a friend and a curmudgeonly gentleman pulls his sports car into the driveway. While walking past, he dismissively looks at me and barks “Key’s in it.”
The Porsche is now mine, right?
You know you’re a bad driver when Siri tells you “after 400 feet stop and let me out”
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
imagine if otters became overpopulated and started destroying the world. it would be so cute.