Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
You Might Also Like
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.