If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
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Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
🙀🙀🙀😹
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
my astrological sign is a french fry
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.