@Stabby_smurf

If I have written a tweet similar to yours, I apologize for your lack of depth and vision.

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@DadZZZasleep

me: I want you to be you but also all mine

pizza: [cheesing seductively]

@fro_vo

DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream

@Ideal_Victoria

Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!

@envydatropic

Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.

@Angibangie

What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?

@rebrafsim

[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages

@robfee

I wonder if the coach of the opposing team on Air Bud got fired when he explained to the principal how a golden retriever outscored his team

@kelkulus

The coolest part of the bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.

@jimmy_sharpe

[lights focus on guy in interrogation room]

“Say it. SAY IT.”

*points at sign saying “Worcestershire Sauce”*