me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
If I have written a tweet similar to yours, I apologize for your lack of depth and vision.
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DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
I wonder if the coach of the opposing team on Air Bud got fired when he explained to the principal how a golden retriever outscored his team
The coolest part of the bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
WHAT ARE YOU EATING AND HOW CAN I HELP?
[lights focus on guy in interrogation room]
“Say it. SAY IT.”
*points at sign saying “Worcestershire Sauce”*