My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
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What do you hear?
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow