[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
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By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
we’re gonna need another temp
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.