If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
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What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Don’t snitch tag.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.