If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.

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Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare


[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*

Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.

Me: *poops all over windshield*


Single: We do it like rabbits

Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet


We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows


Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.


My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.


Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.


Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.



-the first person to drink coffee