@TwinSurvivalist

If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.

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@abbycohenwl

Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare

@RidiculousSheri

[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*

Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.

Me: *poops all over windshield*

@ericsshadow

Single: We do it like rabbits

Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet

@Cheeseboy22

We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows

@threetimedaddy

Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.

@LoveNLunchmeat

My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.

@Cravin4

Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.

@lisaxy424

Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.

@TheAlexNevil

“WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO ME RIGHT NOW?”

-the first person to drink coffee