If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
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Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
No laws when master is gone
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney