@ThePocketJustin

If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.

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@canadasandra

Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.

@emceekayvee

Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?

@ravenswng_

If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.

@FirecrackerKatt

You say stalker.

I say excellent research skills.

Also, your dryer cycle just buzzed.

@hotsoccerchic69

Great Gatsby (2013), Wolf of Wallstreet (2013), Django Unchained (2012): Leonardo DiCaprio is rich and screams at people

@isabelzawtun

Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito

@bobvulfov

when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go

@CArmanthegirl

Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise

@JerseyRambo

I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.