Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
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Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
You say stalker.
I say excellent research skills.
Also, your dryer cycle just buzzed.
Great Gatsby (2013), Wolf of Wallstreet (2013), Django Unchained (2012): Leonardo DiCaprio is rich and screams at people
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.