If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.

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Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?


Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?

Kid: What’s a phone book?


Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.


I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address

Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?


Me: *breathes”
My parents: you need to watch that attitude young man.


I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.


If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”


A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.


I believe in ten years, gifts for newly born baby would be a SIM card and a cell phone.


[Weather Channel Secret Memo]

To technical crews:

If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.