If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
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Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.