@anerdonfire2

If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.

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@SufficientCharm

A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.

@TheIronSherk

Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.

*all of the ghosts boo in unison*

@TheMichaelRock

Your college degree doesn’t mean you’re smart, it just means you’re in debt.

@djdarrellripley

Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.

Me: Yea, the nursing home…

@Reverend_Scott

NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!

ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?

@TheAlexNevil

Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.

@PatsATweetin

To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.

@KarateDonuts

Me: *pouring beer on the ground*
CW: For your homies?
Me: What? No. This is Coors Light. Nobody should drink this shit.

@portmanteauface

Me: DO YOU SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING?

My boss at the Alcatraz cafeteria: seriously one more time and you’re fired