If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.

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A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.


Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.

*all of the ghosts boo in unison*


Your college degree doesn’t mean you’re smart, it just means you’re in debt.


Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.

Me: Yea, the nursing home…


NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!

ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?


Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.


To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.


Me: *pouring beer on the ground*
CW: For your homies?
Me: What? No. This is Coors Light. Nobody should drink this shit.



My boss at the Alcatraz cafeteria: seriously one more time and you’re fired