I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
You Might Also Like
This might be my ego talking, but I feel my weight-loss spambot followers care about me. They really, really, do.
Dust bunnies are great pets because they thrive on neglect.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Why would you be scared to get Ebola? You haven’t left your couch since 2011.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
This is an example of the shit I text my kid. I know, I know. Mom of the Year material right here.