@anerdonfire2

If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.

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@YimsterFife

I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.

@SteveMartinToGo

This might be my ego talking, but I feel my weight-loss spambot followers care about me. They really, really, do.

@sarcasticmommy4

I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.

@MableGertrude

Why would you be scared to get Ebola? You haven’t left your couch since 2011.

@hythemafia

Knock knock

“Who’s there?”

“Dejav”

“Dejav who?”

Knock knock

@jackiembouvier

I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.

@jctwritesstuff

Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.

@viciousbabydoll

This is an example of the shit I text my kid. I know, I know. Mom of the Year material right here.