If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.

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So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe


me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them

friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston

me: how are you doing this

friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston


“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games


No thanks, diet. I don’t trust words that are 75% die.


DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point


Only your family knows what you’re truly capable of.

Every year my sister-in-law sends out an email to all of us assigning us our Thanksgiving dishes. The turkey, the stuffing, the side dishes, desserts, etc.

Every year I’m assigned “bottled water”.


I used to skateboard 15 hours a day and now I have to stop and rest half way through putting my socks on.


When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.


My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?