If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.

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Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.


If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.

It can either sync or swim.


Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.


I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode


The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.


3YO: Why do I have to share a room with my twin sister?
ME: Because we only anticipated having one of you.


[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where’s my present?!


I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st


I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.


Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book