@SirEviscerate

If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.

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@heatherlou_

Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.

@causticbob

If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.

It can either sync or swim.

@ScottLinnen

Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.

@TragicAllyHere

I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode

@Marcmywords2

The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.

@MUMSIEesq

3YO: Why do I have to share a room with my twin sister?
ME: Because we only anticipated having one of you.

@MarfSalvador

[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where’s my present?!

@a_simpl_man

I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st

@Adar79Angie

I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.

@karencheee

Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book