How did the date go?
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
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Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”