If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.

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instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club


My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.


Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.


Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.


an apple drops from a tree and hits me perfectly in the head but i don’t act like some big science guy


My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.


FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.


You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.


[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.

Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.