If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
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I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken