If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
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And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
what it’s like dating me:
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
dutch so unserious
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.