If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
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children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!