If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
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St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.