If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
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My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
I don’t get marriage
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
how much for the angry fruit?
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.