@BlindVigil

If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.

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@wife_housy

*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty

*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner

*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years

@DaleInc

This drink tastes like the neighbors will be hearing late night small arms fire. I swear I just saw a coyote or a squirrel or a tree or a…

@mexinonblonde

I have recently learned that it is considered poor form to sit on Santa’s lap and ask to be made a widow for Christmas…
The more you know.

@AristotlesNZ

Congrats on the wedding dude. A present? Na man, everyone brings a present. I brought a past. Remember your ex-fiance Jan? Jan! come say hi.

@OctopusCaveman

I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”

@LostCatDog

This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread

@maurajbg

*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet

@BuckyIsotope

ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy

@ArfMeasures

Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?

Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times

Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this

Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it

@panmidwest

Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality