If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
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[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
fourth time’s the charm
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Well, this certainly took a turn
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come