@SocialustGal13

If I meet Captain Crunch I’m going to punch him in the roof of the mouth.

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@So504real

Then:
Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Now:
Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??

@KrangTNelson

ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]

MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing

@FKACornshucks

TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.

@HeyZeus666

My dad use to take me to the circus to see the tattooed man and the bearded lady. Now, I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.

@thenatewolf

Salesman: first time buying a motorcycle?

Me: that obvious?

Salesman: nobody asks “how loud is the vroom?” they ask “what’s the vroomage?”

@2sassymom

Twitter is awesome. You can have a boyfriend right in your phone.
Available at all times.

Unless his wife’s around.

@Vodkantots

It’s like my mother always told me, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”

Then she said I looked fat.

@JessiCanadian

My dog could not protect the house from robbers if they brought a vacuum cleaner.

@pixelatedboat

The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini