man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
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Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.