If I meet Captain Crunch I’m going to punch him in the roof of the mouth.

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Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??


ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]

MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing


TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.


My dad use to take me to the circus to see the tattooed man and the bearded lady. Now, I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.


Salesman: first time buying a motorcycle?

Me: that obvious?

Salesman: nobody asks “how loud is the vroom?” they ask “what’s the vroomage?”


Twitter is awesome. You can have a boyfriend right in your phone.
Available at all times.

Unless his wife’s around.


It’s like my mother always told me, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”

Then she said I looked fat.


My dog could not protect the house from robbers if they brought a vacuum cleaner.


The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini