Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
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America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
is it earth
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
True.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes