@meatballwizard
@filmmakerRNO
In hell, the thermostat is guarded by a bunch of dads.
You Might Also Like
@filmmakerRNO
@FSUSteve
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
@Maxine12333
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
@BoomBoomBetty
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
@markpopham
i think a lot about how flasks became a really popular gift for men right at the point when if you were hanging out with a guy and he pulled out a flask and drank from it you’d be like “oh this guy has a problem”
@Ygrene
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
@smithsara79
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
@aotakeo
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
@FeelingEuphoric
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
@Matt_The_1st
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow