To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
You Might Also Like
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Important reminders
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.