@meatballwizard

If I notice an unfinished jigsaw puzzle at someone’s house, I eat a few pieces.

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@FSUSteve

Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.

@Maxine12333

If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.

@BoomBoomBetty

[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]

God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?

@markpopham

i think a lot about how flasks became a really popular gift for men right at the point when if you were hanging out with a guy and he pulled out a flask and drank from it you’d be like “oh this guy has a problem”

@Ygrene

Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]

@smithsara79

Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-

Some guy: Be rich?

Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it

@aotakeo

NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?

ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]

@FeelingEuphoric

villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!

me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental

v *tearing up*: …you passed

@Matt_The_1st

So much to do right now

*cracks open beer*

So much to do tomorrow