In hell, the thermostat is guarded by a bunch of dads.
If I notice an unfinished jigsaw puzzle at someone’s house, I eat a few pieces.
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Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
i think a lot about how flasks became a really popular gift for men right at the point when if you were hanging out with a guy and he pulled out a flask and drank from it you’d be like “oh this guy has a problem”
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow