If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
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For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
i now pronounce you bounced.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
I wish this was real life…
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head