If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
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I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
I saw this ending much differently.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell