If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
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Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.