Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves

Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras

A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.

warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?

me: yes, a final film

warden: ok, what do you want to watch

me: *smiles wide* the neverending story

[107 minutes later]

me: ok, that’s bullshit

Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.

Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating

Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.

getting corrected

what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.

It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this

Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising

Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.

Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.

if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet

I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.

Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.

I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”

rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.

Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.

When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…

I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”

I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.

1st marriage: Love, naivety.

2nd marriage: Health insurance.

People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”

Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.

When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.

If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍

Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.

My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.