if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
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Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
This pepper has seen some shit
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.