BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
If I pay $40 for a haunted house I better die
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Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO?! *Explodes and dies*
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
I only have 3 rules when I have guests over:
1. Take your shoes off. It’s only polite.
2. Use a coaster for your drink. Nobody likes a ring on their coffee table.
3. Don’t look in the corpse space. Oh, did I say corpse? Haha, I meant crawl space. But seriously, don’t.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.