If I pay $40 for a haunted house I better die
You Might Also Like
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen