I don’t understand women. I also don’t understand how a car works but I still drive it.
If I pick you up hitchhiking and you haven’t murdered me in the first 25 miles, that’s the end of the free ride, bud.
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If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Mugger: [pulls knife] gimme your wallet
Me: You picked the WRONG DAY to rob me Pal. I get paid Fri at midnight you should try again then
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
I imagine some people are like…: ‘should I take the shower?…no…I’m taking the train today…’
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges w/ ur debit card
ME: How’d you know it wasn’t me
B: They entered the PIN correctly 1st try
M: Dear god
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
If you smoke while you’re pregnant your baby comes out wearing a t-shirt and jeans looking cool as hell.