If I pick you up hitchhiking and you haven’t murdered me in the first 25 miles, that’s the end of the free ride, bud.

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I don’t understand women. I also don’t understand how a car works but I still drive it.


If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.


Mugger: [pulls knife] gimme your wallet

Me: You picked the WRONG DAY to rob me Pal. I get paid Fri at midnight you should try again then


I imagine some people are like…: ‘should I take the shower?…no…I’m taking the train today…’


Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..


BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges w/ ur debit card
ME: How’d you know it wasn’t me
B: They entered the PIN correctly 1st try
M: Dear god


Me: I need the other guy

Him: I’m the head surgeon

Me: [with a broken foot] exactly


A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.


If you smoke while you’re pregnant your baby comes out wearing a t-shirt and jeans looking cool as hell.