Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
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So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Important
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”