If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
You Might Also Like
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
The second world war should have been called world war returns
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
can’t believe I got front row seats
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die