If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
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Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
But is it really??
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”