If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
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A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…