If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
You Might Also Like
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.