If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
You Might Also Like
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat