@AnnietheNanny1

If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.

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@BaneTheBOSS

What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? “the Dark Knight Rises”

@DothTheDoth

Remember, you can disappear in an overgrown greenhouse whenever you want. You’re an adult.

@Reverend_Scott

[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?

Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?

Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer

Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick

@RickAaron

I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.

@dinokitten

“Dude go make the first move on her!”

“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”

*approaches girl*

“Knight to f3”

@LizerReal

i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass

@novicefather

[grocery store with 2yo]

Cashier: your son is so cute. What do you want to have next?

Me: a vasectomy