Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
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H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
COWORKER: I’m going to my friend’s lake house this weekend for a party.
ME: *lying* I also have friends.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Shoutout to the dozens of people still trying to make Google+ a thing!
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Fact: If you get pulled over, as the cop is walking up to you, place an aluminum foil hat on your head and you disappear from his vision.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should