If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.

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Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password

You’re welcome


I hate when I’m telling my best friend a story and she gets all judgmental and walks off to get a drink from her water bowl.


employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress

me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]


Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.


The only real importance in life is getting ahead.

Head. I meant to say head.


Coworker: Ugh, the coffee is too strong

Me: There is no strong coffee. Just weak people.


Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?


My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.


My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.


If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy