If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
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If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no