If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.

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Stop talking about how terrible your kids are.

My son eats ketchup on his tacos.

I win.


I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.


COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”


Anyone who’s voice doesn’t jump a few octaves when talking to a puppy probably kills people for a living


People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.


There is a woman on this plane going on vacation with a cat in a carrier. Because cats love surprises, travel, and unfamiliar surroundings.


WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*


Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.