@AnnietheNanny1

If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.

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@dshack8

Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.

@PinkCamoTO

H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep

@EndhooS

“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead

@truegritrumble

COWORKER: I’m going to my friend’s lake house this weekend for a party.
ME: *lying* I also have friends.

@alfageeek

When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.

@Torgo_phylum

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-

Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]

Shania Twain: oh shit wow

@cepheusjackson

WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?

ME: Not good.

WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.

ME: I don’t think he read it.

@ImaFlyontheWall

Fact: If you get pulled over, as the cop is walking up to you, place an aluminum foil hat on your head and you disappear from his vision.

@awhalefact

sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should