If I refer to you as ugly, I always mean on the inside, you piece of shit.

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If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.


Pissing Blood is bad right?

PHEW! false alarm guys, its Ketchup!

… Pissing Ketchup is bad right?


as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.


[meeting to name the brownie]
“How about baked chocolate cake?”
“Yummy choccy bake?”
Guy who named the orange: I have an idea…


My ex is coming to town tomorrow so I have to lose fifty pounds by morning.


Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.

Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.


Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?


[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going


[feels adventurous]

As a kid: *climbs a tree*

As a teen: *dyes hair*

In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*

In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*