@freedom2726

If I refer to you as ugly, I always mean on the inside, you piece of shit.

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@JohnLyonTweets

If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.

@shwebby3

Pissing Blood is bad right?

PHEW! false alarm guys, its Ketchup!

… Pissing Ketchup is bad right?

@dadmann_walking

as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.

@jazmasta

[meeting to name the brownie]
“How about baked chocolate cake?”
“Nah”
“Yummy choccy bake?”
“No”
Guy who named the orange: I have an idea…

@JUSTLisandra

My ex is coming to town tomorrow so I have to lose fifty pounds by morning.

@Scottcrates

Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.

Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.

@anoticingsenpa1

Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?

@bourgeoisalien

[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going

@mommajessiec

[feels adventurous]

As a kid: *climbs a tree*

As a teen: *dyes hair*

In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*

In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*