@LostFelicia

If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.

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@dumbbeezie

I cannot believe all of these people are out!

-Me when I’m out

@NikiWithIssues

A cool fun way to stop his snoring so you can finally get some sleep is to separate the head from the body.

@ericsshadow

THINGS CHICKS DIG:

1. Popcorn
2. Puppy dogs
3. I can’t think of anything else, I’m very bad with women.

@Reverend_Scott

WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?

ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.

@Darlainky

Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.

@ComedicBust

[First Date]

Me: Wanna check out the local garden?

Her: That sounds amazing.

[arriving at Olive Garden]

Me: Damn, it’s busier than usual

@_RobertSchultz

I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.

@T_Bonezzz_

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr

@Pork_Chop_Hair

If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.

@sween

When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”