If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
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How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
You sure about that?
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.