If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.

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I cannot believe all of these people are out!

-Me when I’m out


A cool fun way to stop his snoring so you can finally get some sleep is to separate the head from the body.



1. Popcorn
2. Puppy dogs
3. I can’t think of anything else, I’m very bad with women.


WIFE: What are you doing?


WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?

ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.


Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.


[First Date]

Me: Wanna check out the local garden?

Her: That sounds amazing.

[arriving at Olive Garden]

Me: Damn, it’s busier than usual


I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.


Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr


If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.


When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”