If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
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I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Why is this me 😫
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
🙄😏😂🤣
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone