I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
You Might Also Like
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets