Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma’am?
Me: No, I’m just dizzy b/c I’m having a heavy flow day. It’s really clotty and…
Cop: You’re free to go.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
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Anyway here’s Wonderwall
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
this is uni
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.