If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
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since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Cannot stop laughing at this
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.