If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.

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“I have no advice. I can’t talk! I am a building.” -Prison advice


I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.


Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo: New phone. Who dis?


On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…

2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.


Girlfriend kept nagging at me to put the toilet seat down. So here I am, crying in the middle of a field, with the seat & a shotgun.


[bank robbery]

Me: this is a hold up

[later at the police station]

Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?

Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station


“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”

“The ball kind?”

“No, for under my arms.”


ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*

MOM: *shouting* use your words!

MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!


God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”


Her: I’d take a bullet for you.

Me: How soon can you do that?