@BDGarp

If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.

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@dreamthievin

Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.

@thestlouisan

– Password must be stronger –

ME: mybodyodorafterexercisingjkidontexercise

@_Water_Baby

*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*

Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: may we contact your previous employers?

[cut to the giant grave in the desert where I buried them all]

Me: lol you could try

@heatherlarson77

Whenever someone says they did something “like a boss” I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are taking credit for it.

@ojedge

We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.

~ The Disclaimers.

@icecube

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

@Vodkantots

So do people not like it when you tell them they could totally do better after meeting their spouse?

Flattery is hard.

@CrowsFault

CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.

Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.