If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
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Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it