If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
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If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
I wish I were this cool 😂
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Was it something I said?
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
some cats are just doing for fun!
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.