@nowarranty

If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.

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@o__0Dev

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

@UrbanDouchebag

Hug a tree. Then rub your hands along it’s trunk and tell it how knotty it is.

@ChiefTwittler

Probing: Aliens have had plenty of time to figure out our biology -now they’re just having fun.

@TheHyyyype

[first day as a mechanic]

customer: can i get a quote?

me: give me liberty or give me death

customer: i meant for the truck

me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out

@ch000ch

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it

@VerbsRProudest

When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.

@lenadunham

Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.

@Brianhopecomedy

My 4 year old loves wrestling with the family. He’s Hulk Hogan, I’m The Rock and our 1 year old is the folding chair.