I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
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Hug a tree. Then rub your hands along it’s trunk and tell it how knotty it is.
An app like twitter but for people who can read
My bank account status is more scary than the Conjuring!
Probing: Aliens have had plenty of time to figure out our biology -now they’re just having fun.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
My 4 year old loves wrestling with the family. He’s Hulk Hogan, I’m The Rock and our 1 year old is the folding chair.