@nowarranty

If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.

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@junejuly12

“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door

@jannable9

Made some terrible life choices the last few years.

Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.

@dugglebutt

I ate three McRibs today because I want to read all of War and Peace on the toilet tomorrow

@Vice_Queen

I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.

@tuckerflodman

*Snowman wakes up in hospital*

“What happened to me?!”

Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?

@thedad

Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!

Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any

Me: Yes! Because it’s mine

Wife: Because of the alc

Me: Because of the alcohol

@rockymomax

EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: what shall we worship?

EGYPTIAN KING: cats