If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
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oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Just a reminder, folks:
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.