If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.

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“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door


Made some terrible life choices the last few years.

Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.


I ate three McRibs today because I want to read all of War and Peace on the toilet tomorrow


I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.


If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.


*Snowman wakes up in hospital*

“What happened to me?!”

Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?


Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!

Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any

Me: Yes! Because it’s mine

Wife: Because of the alc

Me: Because of the alcohol


EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: what shall we worship?