“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
You Might Also Like
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
I ate three McRibs today because I want to read all of War and Peace on the toilet tomorrow
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
A closed mouth keeps it’s teeth.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?