If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
You Might Also Like
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
men, we mow at sunrise.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.