If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
You Might Also Like
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.