@Tmoney68
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
@UnFitz
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
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@Tmoney68
@HomeWithPeanut
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
@Playing_Dad
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me I have no money everywhere
@WheelTod
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
@Bob_Heller
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
@hexprax
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
@neiltyson
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
@sarah1mc
I’m not saying you’re an idiot,
I’m typing it.
@BraandoCommando
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
@Cpin42
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog