If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
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5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk