@UnFitz

If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?

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@Tmoney68

[Sloth Job Interview]

Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?

*2 hours later*

Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.

@HomeWithPeanut

🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵

-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.

@Playing_Dad

[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me I have no money everywhere

@WheelTod

[Animal Shelter]

Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”

Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”

Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”

@Bob_Heller

Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance

@hexprax

Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”

@neiltyson

Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.

@sarah1mc

I’m not saying you’re an idiot,
I’m typing it.

@BraandoCommando

Me: where do you want to eat?

My gf, a moth: idc you decide

[arranges a candlelit dinner]

Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake

@Cpin42

KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks

ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog