@AmishPornStar1
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
@UnFitz
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
You Might Also Like
@AmishPornStar1
@HatfieldAnne
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
@_ElvishPresley_
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
@ArfMeasures
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
@UncleDuke1969
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
@AmishPornStar1
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
@yenniwhite
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
@Love_bug1016
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
@TheToddWilliams
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
@bridger_w
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator