I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
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Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
choose your fighter
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*